Speeding is totally unnecessary and dangerous. We catch up with you speed freaks at the next set of lights, revving your engines and grinning like you’ve just done something really clever after having a lobotomy. What was the point? You just managed to use twice as much fuel in your tinny little sports car as I did in my big V6 to get to the same place. Slow down and pace yourself. Your vehicle will thank you and you’ll manage to hang on to your license for a little longer.
Dear drivers who read “Merge” as “Stop”,
What’s the hell is the matter with you? You don’t slow down and stop at a merge sign; you match the speed of the main traffic and blend in, especially if it’s 110km/h. Stopping is downright dangerous, not only for the cars you’re supposed to be merging with but for those of us behind you who burn rubber to prevent ramming you in the boot. If there appears to be no space, don’t worry, one will magically appear as those drivers protect their cars from yours. Watch out for trailer trucks though. They can’t separate for you.
Dear Roundabout users,
You’re getting it wrong. If there is a car on your right on the distant horizon, you do not have to wait for it and the entire stream of traffic behind it. Whoever enters the roundabout first gets to go first regardless of anything else. Don’t be intimidated by the revheads. Just slow down and if the roundabout is empty, move in. And never second guess where you think someone is going to leave a roundabout: they could be indicating from their last corner. If they’re in it, they have right of way.
Dear Wannabe race track drivers,
DO NOT swing out to the left when turning right and vice versa. That is another lane there, most likely with vehicles in it. They have a right to drive there without your big boot bum encroaching into their lane regardless of how wide your tyres are. It’s like the kindergarten colouring you obviously failed in your childhood; try and stay within the lines.
Dear Drivers turning right,
please get into the turning lane right at it’s origin, not hold up through traffic while you slow down and drift over into the arrowed lane like a drunken sailor, especially when the speed limit is 70km/h or more. Try and be a little more considerate of those not turning right who would like to stay at the speed limit.
Dear Drivers behind me when I stop at a traffic accident,
if you’re not going to help, stay in your car and wait. Ring the police, ambulances, the fire department, great Aunt Mabel to tell her you’ll be late. I do not need you to get out and tell me you have somewhere else to be while I am checking that the accident victims are still breathing, have all their limbs and are not pumping arterial blood all over themselves. Get out of my face while I ring triple-0 or you will get an earful. Maybe at that particular minute, it’s not all about you.